#SingleLife ... I guess lol

i know it's been a while since my last blog. i know i always say that whenever i make a new blog and that this is the time that i will keep a consistent log of my life. that clearly won't be the case anymore, but i just felt the need to express some feelings.

last week i ended an on again-off again 7 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend. i really didn't want to do it, but i felt that it was the best thing for us to do. there are certain things i want out of a relationship that he is not necessarily ready for. while frustrating, it's understandable from his point of view. everyone needs time for certain situations in life, but there also comes a time where you should be able to sacrifice certain things for a relationship that is for the benefit of your future with your significant other. i would probably feel differently about certain issues that presented itself recently if i was 5 years younger, but i'm 25 going on 26 and i have to start thinking about the future in all aspects of my life. i can't let life pass me by with "what ifs" on anything that involved a better life. i just wish he could have realized that before. but i wish him the best though.

so now, i have to basically start over in the relationship game. it's a little different nowadays because i'm not the young, fresh (maybe still fresh) & new, and slightly naive guy that i once was, and all i had to do was walk in a place, get noticed, and maybe leave with a number or two lol. i'm a little older and i actually have to put forth some effort, which requires "game" . . . that i don't have lol. i may not be as young, but i can still be super shy, especially if it's someone that i think is cute and i could be in to. but at the moment, i'm not necessarily looking. but if the right person just happens to come along, who am i to say that i'm not interested?

my friends want me to enjoy my life as a single guy for a while. while i will enjoy this time of single life, i will not be the whore of babylon. one friend in particular wants me to be that whore. that is soooo not happening. even my mom thinks that it's not such a bad idea to be a borderline whore!! what?! i was so shocked. she said, "you can have your dalliances here and there, but don't be a whore baby. and make sure you protect yourself." so not a full on whore, but an escort . . . i mean is there really a difference these days? lol. anyways, i've thought about it but i don't know if i'll even go that far. i'm sorry but regardless of my marital status, i am a hopeless romantic and that applies with every "dalliance" that i may encounter. but i'll have fun though, because i am essentially a fun guy to be around.

some things just happen for a reason, but there's no need for the bad things in life to keep you down as long as you have positive things and people around you. also, being productive is good as well, so you don't think too much about it. so the moral of this blog is to HAVE FUN . . . SMILE . . . LOVE (despite anything) . . . and LIVE. and after you do all of that . . . REPEAT.

I Stand by Truth ... I Stand by Brandy.

yesterday i posted a status on facebook and i think i'm just gonna keep it up there for a while. it was basically a status about life and success. i got the words from my idol, Brandy. in a combination of both her words and mine, i posted that it is better to appreciate the journey of your life than focus so much on the destination of it. we all want success, but there are so many factors that come with said success; and if you don't acquire those factors throughout your life and learn from the mistakes made, then you'll just keep running down that path of ... nowhere.  that was my interpretation of it at least.  anyhow, Brandy's been saying this for a long time. i remember when her pregnancy special came on MTV back in 2002 and she was talking to her mother, Sonja, and her grandmother, and she said "i believe life is a journey, not a destination."  i was 14 at the time and i totally got it then.  i've definitely made mistakes in my life, but once i learn from them, that statement just comes right back because there's so much truth to it.  but she always seems to get me, along with others that love her like i do, right together when i'm feeling some kind of way about something.  she's just one of those rare artists ... rare people ... that can truly relate to the people that she touches, either through her beautiful songs or her "Brandoms" (via twitter), because she's been through similar issues, if not the same, just on a different kind of level sometimes.  she just makes you wanna do better, you know?  she makes me wanna do better, feel better, just be an all-around positive person.  i mean, i'm a naturally optimistic person already, but she just inspires me to be a greater being ... "Praise His Light" ... lol it's funny because i had a hard time writing after that last sentence ... i kept reading what i wrote above because i wanted to write about the status i wrote on facebook, but then it turned into an ode to Brandy. i have no problems with that at all lol, but it's clearly obvious that because i have pretty much grown up with her, being someone that i've listened to on a constant basis, and looked up to consistently, she's just naturally a part of my life now.  she has truly gotten me through some things (depression, relationship woes, deaths in my family, finding my identity) not just off her emotional and soulful vocal delivery through a song, but the truth that she puts behind it.  she is a gift, and as long she keeps her truth, i will stand behind her 4EVER with every fiber of my being.  i love her that much.

Celibacy Blues...

So...lol...sex has been on my mind more than ever for quite a while now. Every day in fact for the past 5 months. It's not necessarily all that I think about but it's just a constant thought lol. I believe that if I had gotten it on a more frequent basis while I was still in my relationship, I probably would have less sexual fantasies because I would be making them a reality lol. But I'm not, and now that I'm currently single I'm sure it's going to be harder to make it a reality, knowing that I just don't have sex with anyone. There has to be something there, a connection. I'd rather be in a relationship, or on that path to one, when taking it to that level with someone instead of hooking up with a random and regretting it the following day, you know? I just feel like that scares guys away nowadays. But I'm not gonna lower my standards because I'm horny or if the guy is cute, he likes me and wants to get to no me better. Don't even try it lol. So for now my sexual fantasies will be nice and imaginative, in technicolor and surround sound, until that someone comes and makes them a reality.

a weight has been lifted...and it feels soooo good

so earlier this week i came out to my mother. the funny thing is i had a dream about it maybe a day or two prior. it didn't necessarily go as it played out in the dream, but my mom's delivery was kind of similar in how she brought it up. you know, i rehearsed how i was going to tell her over and over in my head; where i was going to tell her, what kind of attitude i was going to have, just to make sure i softened the blow. yeah that was all a fail lol. it just happened to come out while we were having one of our few and far between mother-son dinners. i took her out to a really nice restaurant (Aberdeen Barn) where we, in a way, were celebrating our birthdays that passed within the last two weeks. since we didn't dine with each other on our actual birthdays, i made up for it with this and it's always a treat to spend time with my mom.

anyways, we were just having our regular conversation about what's coming up and going on in our lives, and during that i brought up a couple of my girl friends. one of them use to be a really close friend of mine, who now i don't really speak to at all, is engaged. after she was pleasantly surprised, my mom first asked whether or not it was to a man. i chuckled and replied back and told her that my friend was in fact engaged to a man. she then told me that she always wondered about my friend, whether or not she was going to be a lesbian. again, i chuckled, but i told my mom why i knew that wasn't going to happen and why she used to act the way she did. she went on to tell me that she always thought my friend and i would have gotten together. while the thought of that relationship crossed my mind a few times in the past, once i got into my last couple of years of high school, i knew that wasn't going to happen just because we were slowly starting to grow apart, and i was starting to like guys lol. now my other friend of mine, who i am still very close with, she is in fact a lesbian. we love each other like we're family because we've known one another for such a long time. but when we were younger, before we got to that family bond, we briefly liked each other lol. i try not to think about that little moment in time we had (i don't even think she remembers it lol) just because we've gotten pass that time in our lives and we've bonded on a much deeper level throughout the years. we were always close, but it was when we came out to each other when we were in high school that really brought us closer together. we just felt more comfortable with each other from then on. i brought up those details because my mom asked me how she was doing, but she also mentioned that she use to like me and then tried to compare both of my girl friends and figure out why i never had a relationship with them and then one of them ended up becoming a lesbian...she was just mind-boggled. then, the two questions that i was dreading but had a feeling were coming up, "what's the deal?! are you gay?!" so i looked up, laughed, and almost brushed it off and told her no, but before i was gonna reply she said, "if you are it's cool." i told myself i wouldn't lie about this to her anymore, and if it ever came up again i would just be as honest as i can be. granted i didn't expect that it would be at that place and time, but all that showed me was that you can never time things like this. so, i put my head down, looked at her and nodded with a grin. after that, we told each other we loved one another and at the end of the day, we just want each other to be happy with whomever we are with. it was so smooth, it was surreal. i just knew there was gonna be all sorts of oscar-worthy scenes up and through that restaurant, but there wasn't lol. there were no tears, no disowning of any kind, just real love and real talk...and that's why my mother is the shit. then she added with her dramatic ass voice, "now i'm part of the elite moms with gay children, like Cher and Barbara Streisand." it was going so well lol...and again, i chuckled, then we went on with whatever we were talking about. so now i can say to whoever asks in the future how my coming out story went, i'll reply, "she asked, i nodded, we laughed, then finished our conversation." lol

after our evening came to a close, for some reason i felt weird, but it was a happy weird. a weight was lifted off of my shoulders, but it didn't feel real, just because i expected it to go down in such a different way. i guess that's how you're suppose to feel after a moment like this happens. but now i can honestly say that i feel soooo free!! the fact that the only person that truly matters to me now knows pretty much everything going on in my life makes me feel good...real good. but now that i'm coming down from this high, it's time to focus on my life and what consists of it. but i'll never forget that moment with my mother...

To: A Love Worth Saving by Forest Cooke

you tell me actions speak louder than words.
well i'm trying to convey this to you like herds
of sheep that i know annoy the fuck out of that sheep herder.
look, i'm not trying to be annoying,
but i try to keep avoiding
those situations that we go through.
you know, the ones that make you
go over the mountain, and through the roof?
but that should only give you proof
that there's a problem...with you.
cause it ain't me.
while you may disagree
that you haven't changed,
i've seen the evolution of you
and you need to rearrange
some things that you do.
now don't get me wrong boo,
i'm not perfect either.
sometimes i can be a hider
of emotions that i should express.
while one of these are unhappiness,
that's not what i'm trying to be,
or cause you any stress.
i just want you to be free...with me,
so that you'll see the happy...in us.
i'm telling you this so you know
how i feel, and that i try to show you
that our love can grow.
but you have to want it to,
if the future is me and you...

a mood manifested...

so last week my emotions were kind of all over the place. i have to say it wasn't my best looking days of rest & relaxation lol. but after i had to finally get it together by the end of the week (because i had to go to work), i was trying to figure out why my first day off of rest & relaxation became a 3-5 day emotional free for all. while my mom & uncle were out of town i actually had the opportunity to be productive and execute the tasks i had planned while having peace and quiet. i had the peace and quiet, but the being productive part was just not happening for me. normally the first day off i have out of the week i just chill, watch some t.v., or play around on the computer. but this time it was different. it was almost like i couldn't move from that one spot. i was downstairs, watched t.v. for most of the day, didn't really use my computer that much, and just thought about certain things that were on my mind. thinking about it now it was almost like an outer-body experience for me because i would never just stay in the same spot like that for days. it kind of scared me. during the days that i had off i would wake up and feel great because i knew that today would be that day that i would be productive and more optimistic than i was the previous day. i would be ready for the world in the morning, and then something would trigger me and i would fall right back into that spot and get right back into my feelings. then everything that i set out to do would just fall flat. i might have wanted to go to the store, clean the house, do some yard work for my mom, or even see some friends...but i didn't. that's something that i don't like to happen, especially when it comes to me wanting to do something, or saying that i'm going to and don't do it because my mood gets in the way. when it comes to friends i definitely hate it when my mood gets in the way because they may feel that i'm neglecting them when it's really not the case. i don't know...i just can't have those kind of days again. it should be against the law...

p.s. it's good to blog again...hopefully, this will be a weekly thing. maybe daily, but i won't push that lol

instant gratification....

DISCLAIMER: 

this post is not geared to anyone in particular, by any means whatsoever...i promise lol

WAIT: to stay in place in expectation of, to remain stationary in readiness or expectation, to be ready and available.

those were just a few definitions of the word that i feel should start off this blog. i start it off that way because i have mastered the skill of waiting, personally and professionally. my occupation entitles me to wait on people, cater to their needs while they enjoy their relaxation, whether by themselves or with family and/or loved ones. i have no problem with that because that is my job, and i do it well in fact because i make good money, i.e. the mastery of waiting lol. i definitely have it down personally. whether it be with my mother, my friends, or even in my relationships. it's always something that i have to wait on, and sometimes i just feel like it's not fair. now don't get me wrong, they do there fair share of waiting lol. for instance, when i get ready, i can take a while based on what i'm doing. i take extra care of myself because i only do it maybe once or twice out of the week so you know never who you might bump in to, and mother always taught me to look presentable when you leave the house, and that is embedded forever in my brain. but that's one reason...another is maybe when it comes to a phone call or text. i can take a while on that because i just phones that much lol. i use it because it's necessary, and i would rather text than talk sometimes because that's how i feel. i'd rather talk to you face-to-face than call and tell you about what's going on in my life. but that's another reason....but for the most part those are the only reasons from my end. i mean if i have more that my friends aren't telling me, they know they can tell me. but sometimes i do just get fed up.

i mean there are a couple of incidents with my friends where they have borrowed money from me...i still haven't seen it. i.e., WAITING. but you know they said they'll pay me right back, and i believe it. i'm not gonna hound you about it because if you tell me you're gonna do something, then i expect you to do it. just like if i tell you i'm gonna pay you back at a certain time, then i'm gonna do it so you don't have to feel some type of way. this is just one thing that i have a problem with. they don't have too many because we know how each other work, so we try to avoid these problems head-on. i love my friends to death so no matter what, i got them....but that shit still gets on my nerves lol.

relationship wise a whole different thing. i feel like i have been waiting for something out of the relationships i've had, that i think can be so simple, for years. just something simple as quality time and affection. but i guess i do have to wait when my relationships are mainly long distance lol. you know, i told myself that i wouldn't have another long distance relationship, but one was about to present itself. but that couldn't have been helped though, my feelings were there and i wasn't gonna pass that up. anyways lol, back to the topics at hand....quality time is so crucial in any relationship; the chance to get to know your partner emotionally and physically, but not so much sexually until the time is right. i mean that's all i've really ever wanted and that doesn't happen because of the distance. but now in my life i want it NOW. i think i've waited long enough for it and the people that say they wanted to do it and things have changed and they're able now or was trying to but just not yet were just telling me, even if they don't know it, that i have to wait a little bit longer, and i'm just tired of it. they mean well don't get me wrong but i have so much love to give and i wanna give it to someone that doesn't have me on pause, even if it's slight, until they get their life together....like come on now. i can't say that i'm perfect and my life's path isn't where i wanted it to be but i'm dealing. and if love happens to come in while i'm getting it together, i'm not gonna put it on halt and hide and do all that because of what others think or put limits on it because of your finances, i just won't. whoa let me stop it, i'm trying to keep it cute as possible while staying honest lol....bottom line, i just want to be somebody's everything without hindrance, flaws and all, and not have to wonder about the next time i see you. maybe i'm asking for too much....not perfection though... but i don't know. instant gratification isn't the best thing in life, but in cases like this, can it be? just once?....*sigh*....i'm an optimist, so i definitely believe that good things come to those who wait....so yeah....the wait continues.