a weight has been lifted...and it feels soooo good

so earlier this week i came out to my mother. the funny thing is i had a dream about it maybe a day or two prior. it didn't necessarily go as it played out in the dream, but my mom's delivery was kind of similar in how she brought it up. you know, i rehearsed how i was going to tell her over and over in my head; where i was going to tell her, what kind of attitude i was going to have, just to make sure i softened the blow. yeah that was all a fail lol. it just happened to come out while we were having one of our few and far between mother-son dinners. i took her out to a really nice restaurant (Aberdeen Barn) where we, in a way, were celebrating our birthdays that passed within the last two weeks. since we didn't dine with each other on our actual birthdays, i made up for it with this and it's always a treat to spend time with my mom.

anyways, we were just having our regular conversation about what's coming up and going on in our lives, and during that i brought up a couple of my girl friends. one of them use to be a really close friend of mine, who now i don't really speak to at all, is engaged. after she was pleasantly surprised, my mom first asked whether or not it was to a man. i chuckled and replied back and told her that my friend was in fact engaged to a man. she then told me that she always wondered about my friend, whether or not she was going to be a lesbian. again, i chuckled, but i told my mom why i knew that wasn't going to happen and why she used to act the way she did. she went on to tell me that she always thought my friend and i would have gotten together. while the thought of that relationship crossed my mind a few times in the past, once i got into my last couple of years of high school, i knew that wasn't going to happen just because we were slowly starting to grow apart, and i was starting to like guys lol. now my other friend of mine, who i am still very close with, she is in fact a lesbian. we love each other like we're family because we've known one another for such a long time. but when we were younger, before we got to that family bond, we briefly liked each other lol. i try not to think about that little moment in time we had (i don't even think she remembers it lol) just because we've gotten pass that time in our lives and we've bonded on a much deeper level throughout the years. we were always close, but it was when we came out to each other when we were in high school that really brought us closer together. we just felt more comfortable with each other from then on. i brought up those details because my mom asked me how she was doing, but she also mentioned that she use to like me and then tried to compare both of my girl friends and figure out why i never had a relationship with them and then one of them ended up becoming a lesbian...she was just mind-boggled. then, the two questions that i was dreading but had a feeling were coming up, "what's the deal?! are you gay?!" so i looked up, laughed, and almost brushed it off and told her no, but before i was gonna reply she said, "if you are it's cool." i told myself i wouldn't lie about this to her anymore, and if it ever came up again i would just be as honest as i can be. granted i didn't expect that it would be at that place and time, but all that showed me was that you can never time things like this. so, i put my head down, looked at her and nodded with a grin. after that, we told each other we loved one another and at the end of the day, we just want each other to be happy with whomever we are with. it was so smooth, it was surreal. i just knew there was gonna be all sorts of oscar-worthy scenes up and through that restaurant, but there wasn't lol. there were no tears, no disowning of any kind, just real love and real talk...and that's why my mother is the shit. then she added with her dramatic ass voice, "now i'm part of the elite moms with gay children, like Cher and Barbara Streisand." it was going so well lol...and again, i chuckled, then we went on with whatever we were talking about. so now i can say to whoever asks in the future how my coming out story went, i'll reply, "she asked, i nodded, we laughed, then finished our conversation." lol

after our evening came to a close, for some reason i felt weird, but it was a happy weird. a weight was lifted off of my shoulders, but it didn't feel real, just because i expected it to go down in such a different way. i guess that's how you're suppose to feel after a moment like this happens. but now i can honestly say that i feel soooo free!! the fact that the only person that truly matters to me now knows pretty much everything going on in my life makes me feel good...real good. but now that i'm coming down from this high, it's time to focus on my life and what consists of it. but i'll never forget that moment with my mother...

To: A Love Worth Saving by Forest Cooke

you tell me actions speak louder than words.
well i'm trying to convey this to you like herds
of sheep that i know annoy the fuck out of that sheep herder.
look, i'm not trying to be annoying,
but i try to keep avoiding
those situations that we go through.
you know, the ones that make you
go over the mountain, and through the roof?
but that should only give you proof
that there's a problem...with you.
cause it ain't me.
while you may disagree
that you haven't changed,
i've seen the evolution of you
and you need to rearrange
some things that you do.
now don't get me wrong boo,
i'm not perfect either.
sometimes i can be a hider
of emotions that i should express.
while one of these are unhappiness,
that's not what i'm trying to be,
or cause you any stress.
i just want you to be free...with me,
so that you'll see the happy...in us.
i'm telling you this so you know
how i feel, and that i try to show you
that our love can grow.
but you have to want it to,
if the future is me and you...

a mood manifested...

so last week my emotions were kind of all over the place. i have to say it wasn't my best looking days of rest & relaxation lol. but after i had to finally get it together by the end of the week (because i had to go to work), i was trying to figure out why my first day off of rest & relaxation became a 3-5 day emotional free for all. while my mom & uncle were out of town i actually had the opportunity to be productive and execute the tasks i had planned while having peace and quiet. i had the peace and quiet, but the being productive part was just not happening for me. normally the first day off i have out of the week i just chill, watch some t.v., or play around on the computer. but this time it was different. it was almost like i couldn't move from that one spot. i was downstairs, watched t.v. for most of the day, didn't really use my computer that much, and just thought about certain things that were on my mind. thinking about it now it was almost like an outer-body experience for me because i would never just stay in the same spot like that for days. it kind of scared me. during the days that i had off i would wake up and feel great because i knew that today would be that day that i would be productive and more optimistic than i was the previous day. i would be ready for the world in the morning, and then something would trigger me and i would fall right back into that spot and get right back into my feelings. then everything that i set out to do would just fall flat. i might have wanted to go to the store, clean the house, do some yard work for my mom, or even see some friends...but i didn't. that's something that i don't like to happen, especially when it comes to me wanting to do something, or saying that i'm going to and don't do it because my mood gets in the way. when it comes to friends i definitely hate it when my mood gets in the way because they may feel that i'm neglecting them when it's really not the case. i don't know...i just can't have those kind of days again. it should be against the law...

p.s. it's good to blog again...hopefully, this will be a weekly thing. maybe daily, but i won't push that lol